| Lately while I was in hospital preparing for a | | | | Guilt is often a bedfellow of the fear of dying. |
| major operation, the very real possibility that I | | | | Less guilt will also drastically reduce this fear. |
| could die during one of the procedures hit me. It | | | | If one does decide not to mend fences after all, if |
| was late in the night, and I found myself wailing | | | | one decides that the cost in personal pride is too |
| out loud, until the night nurse came. I cried loudly | | | | steep, or that the offence is too serious to be |
| for what seemed like hours, even while calling my | | | | forgiven, the resulting clarity from the decision |
| husband at home to say goodbye. The way my | | | | augurs well for increased peace of mind and less |
| body felt, I really felt that I would die that night. | | | | fear. In my case, I decided that I would mend an |
| I was even more shocked by my meltdown than | | | | ongoing breach with a close relative as soon as |
| either my husband or the night nurse. I had | | | | circumstances allowed, but not an ongoing breach |
| always appeared to myself and to others to be | | | | with my former working group. I could live - or |
| an enlightened, self-aware and balanced person, | | | | die - with that open wound. |
| especially since I work as a clinical psychologist. | | | | When facing death, many people question |
| Additionally, I have lived with the chronic illness | | | | themselves about the meaning of life, or whether |
| requiring the operation my whole life long; death | | | | there is life after death. This preoccupation with |
| had always been a very real possibility and still | | | | spiritual questions is an especially strong unfinished |
| was. It was no new threat. Later, when I had | | | | business, because it call everything into question: |
| calmed down, I pondered what had upset me so | | | | what we have valued in our lives, how we have |
| much about dying in that night. | | | | used our resources, mistakes we have made and |
| I realised that dying in itself had not upset me, but | | | | good things we have done, and, the futility of it all. |
| all the chaos in my life that I would | | | | It is a good time to resolve this weighty spiritual |
| -suddenly-leave behind. In short, unfinished | | | | questions in a manner that each individual finds |
| business. | | | | most satisfying. This lightens the fear of finality |
| This is a direct confirmation of the main | | | | associated with dying. |
| philosophy of the famous psychologist Albert Ellis, | | | | The Kubler-Ross model of bereavement has left |
| who contends that the unfinished business in our | | | | the annals of science and entered everyday and |
| lives makes us emotionally ill. To go a step | | | | everyman's consciousness. What often escapes |
| further, it can also be the main component of our | | | | notice is that it is not just the bereaved who |
| fear of dying. This unfinished business could be | | | | goes through this process of mourning, but also |
| legal,but especially emotional or spiritual. | | | | the one dying. Yes, one is truly allowed to mourn |
| Preparing to die therefore includes taking care of | | | | the passing of one's own life. To deny that it is |
| unfinished business. From a legal or practical | | | | happening, to be angry that it is happening, to be |
| perspective, this means making sure wills and | | | | sad that it is happening, and finally, to accept that |
| other bequeathments and life insurances arraign | | | | it is happening. |
| order so that the beloved bereaved are taken | | | | Sometimes people say that they do not fear to |
| care of. This also includes what to do with debts, | | | | die. I used to say that too. But that night, I |
| who takes care of lifetime responsibilities such as | | | | realised that my life was important enough to me |
| minor children, or relatives needing care or even | | | | for me to mourn over its loss in a prolonged |
| the family pet. | | | | manner. |
| The unfinished business that weighs most on | | | | Accepting that one has a right to mourn the loss |
| most people however, is emotional or spiritual. | | | | of one's own life liberates this process from a |
| Emotional unfinished business includes | | | | suppressed subconscious one to a conscious, and |
| estrangements from family or friends, messy | | | | therefore less oppressive process. This further |
| partings from former loved ones or ongoing feuds | | | | reduces the angst associated with dying. |
| or quarrels. These open emotional conflicts absorb | | | | We often like to think of those facing death as a |
| a lot of energy and fuel our fear of death. | | | | distinct group separate from us. Perhaps the |
| When facing imminent death, it is a good time to | | | | terminally ill, the very old or others who seem to |
| decide whether or not one should finish up any | | | | have a fixed appointment with death. The truth is, |
| outstanding emotional business. It might require | | | | we are all facing death eventually, or as I |
| reaching out to estranged ones to mend fences | | | | discovered that night, could very suddenly do so. |
| or to bury a hatchet for good. The cost in one's | | | | Perhaps the best preparation is to clean up after |
| pride is often amply repaid by the peace of mind | | | | ourselves contiunally as we go through life, |
| one gains in return. At the very least, even if the | | | | keeping unfinished legal, practical, emotional and |
| ones reached out to do not respond in kind, a | | | | spiritual business to an unavoidable minimum. |
| whole lot of guilt about the situation is off-loaded. | | | | |